My first pair of Lander Shorts and my most recent pair

I am now the proud owner of four pairs of Lander Shorts from True Bias Patterns. I figure, when you have a winner, stick with it. These shorts are a great way to use up remnants of denim and other bottomweight fabrics. As a matter of fact the denim pair you see on the above left have three different types of denim in them. The pockets are 10 oz. S-gene, the main body are 11 oz. S-gene, and the waistband is 11 oz. Tencel-blend S-gene, all from Cone Mills. I’m not letting one molecule of my Cone Mills denim go to waste. I love that pair of shorts, but I’m not much of a button fly person, so on my others I have converted them to zip fly.

There is now a zipper expansion PDF download available through True Bias to convert the button fly to zip, but at the time I made my second pair it hadn’t been released. So, I used the Ginger Jeans instructions from Closet Case Patterns as my guideline, and got crafty. Here’s what I do:

1)   Lay out the pattern pieces for the front fly and short front as one. I fold the fly piece over by 1/2 inch before I lay it alongside the front piece, in order to remove the seam allowance from this piece. If you are working with a stretch fabric, or something requiring a little reinforcement, now is the time to use your fly pattern piece to cut out interfacing, and add it to the left front fly. I skipped this step on mine.

2)   Add your center front markings. You mark along the left front where the fly piece meets the front piece so you know where your seam allowance belongs. Measure 1/2 inch from this line and draw it in from the waist to the dot (you should have transferred from the pattern piece.) Finish off the edge of the front left fly, as pictured. Then, place the left and right front pieces together, right sides together, and baste the front closed from waist to dot along the CF line you drew. Switch back to normal stitching and sew the rest of the front inseam closed, making sure to back stitch at the dot a few times for reinforcement.

3)   Clip at the bottom of the fly, almost to the dot. Trim down crotch seam from bottom edge to clipped part, then finish it off. Press the entire center front seam open, including the crotch seam, which will be pressed toward the left front.

4)   Flip over, right side up, and add your CF top-stitching along the left front seam (facing your right!), as per your design preference.

5)   Time to add the zipper. Flip them back over, wrong side facing you. Lay the zipper face down on the right fly, left zipper edge lined up with the seam. You will want the bottom stopper to sit just above where the lower edge of the fly top-stitching will go. I find that lining up the top-most part of the zig-zagged bottom edge with the bottom edge of the fly accomplishes this. Your zipper should be long enough to go past the top edge of the waist. Stitch the right edge of the zipper as closely to the zipper teeth as possible, then stitch again 1/8 inch out for reinforcement.

6)  Turn the right fly back away from the zipper, as shown below, so the left front edge is facing you. Press right fly along zipper edge. Top stitch along the pressed edge as close to the zipper as possible.

7)   Lay the zipper back into place, everything facing you as pictured below. Then flip the left fly away from the rest of the front, and stitch along the other side of the zipper. I like to pin the right side, anchoring everything in place.

8)   Lay everything back into place and flip the shorts right side up, with the fly facing you. Draw in your top-stitching lines according to your design preference. Make sure the bottom part is below the zipper stopper. Sew in the top-stitching.

9)   It’s time to add the fly facing. The proper technique is to fold it in half lengthwise, wrong side out, sew the bottom edge, trim it down, flip it right side out, press and voila! I’m lazy. I fold it in half right side out, trim off 1/2 inch from the bottom edge and serge the edge. Now we attach the facing. The right front needs to have 1/2 inch trimmed off prior to lining up the raw edge of the facing.

10)   Serge the facing to the right front fly (or other chosen method). Flip them over, add your bar tacks.

11)   Open up the basting on center front seam at long last. Go back over the top-stitching on the right front zipper edge to anchor the facing.

You’re done! You are ready to continue on with your project. In 10,000 easy steps we converted a button fly to a zip fly. Moving on…

Things I Sew

Well, here we are! The first completed project from last month’s Thrifted Fabric Extravaganza. This piece is some sort of polyester blend knit with a very retro feel:

I opted to make a top. The color can easily work across seasons, so I kept this in mind when choosing a pattern from my stash:

I wanted to make View B, but prefer more length, so I basically did View A with the sleeve from View B. I can always cinch the draw string to shorten it, but when the bottoms aren’t high-rise, I like my top a little longer.

I graded between sizes, as I do on most projects and whipped this puppy together. It’s not an easy piece for doing fittings, because you don’t assemble the center front until the very end. Next time, I will do some minor adjustments to improve the fit along the neckline, but overall I’m happy.

Total cost of this project? The pattern was $1.99 and the fabric was $2.99. The final cost was $5.39 with tax! Ka-ching!

Things I Sew

Green is the color of the Heart Chakra

The heart chakra is the connecting point between the lower three chakras – the tangible world, the body – and the upper three chakras – the mental and spiritual world, the mind. Love, dedication, unification and self-realization are the principal aspects of this chakra. Lack of balance expresses itself in self-doubt, problematic emotional life, problems with friendships and relationships, suspicion, and struggle between the body and mind. Openness, spontaneity, cordiality, and warmth characterize this chakra when it is in balance. The heart chakra is signified by a compassionate, unconditional love and a sense of well-being radiating outward to others. It is about the relationship of the self toward everything else in the universe, allowing compassion for all living things, expressing divine love, and living in balance. The heart chakra is located over the sternum, between the nipples, extending from 1-1/2 inch beneath the sternum to slightly under the depression of the throat. It governs the whole chest cavity, the heart and lungs, the breath, arms and hands.

SOUL VOW:
Walk in peace with others and share the light of God

LIFE VALUE:  I am a living sanctuary, a sacred space who embodies acceptance and a place of refuge

ANIMAL:  Pigeon/Dove

The pigeon/dove symbolizes resilience. They live on every continent and are very sociable. The pigeon is adaptable, endures tough environments, is perceptive, and is very devoted to others. The pigeon/dove is psychically strong and not easily disturbed, adapting easily to different social groups and life situations. Pigeon/dove teaches us love and peace, loving sacrifice, kindness, patience, harmony and peace. We are taught inner silence of mind and stillness, that peace always available within. Pigeon/dove helps us to rid ourselves of trauma stored in cellular memory, giving us the energy of promise and healing on all levels.

STONES:  Green aventurine and rose quartz

Green aventurine is a stone of prosperity. It defuses negative situations and turns them around. It reinforces leadership and decisiveness, promotes compassion, empathy, and perseverance. Green aventurine stabilizes one’s state of mind, stimulates perception, and enhances creativity. It enables one to see alternatives and possibilities, stimulating emotional healing and living within one’s own heart. It protects the heart energy from energetic vampirism, harmonizing the heart, leading to well-being and emotional calm.

Rose quartz is the stone of unconditional love, forgiveness and peace. It purifies and opens the heart at all levels, bringing deep inner healing and self-love. It strengthens empathy and sensitivity, and aids acceptance of change, releasing of unexpressed emotions and heartache. Rose quartz soothes internalized pain and heals feelings of deprivation, comforting grief. It encourages self-forgiveness, self-trust and acceptance.

LESSONS:

Crushed Heart. The was the name they gave me a year-and-a-half ago at a personal development retreat. After the first day, where we excavated our hurts, the leaders took our name tags away, collaborated, and gave us a name that they believed was an accurate representation of our current state. Mine was pretty accurate. My heart had been crushed pretty ruthlessly over and over again by my family. I felt like I was Humpty Dumpty, laying on the ground in pieces, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put myself together again.

I lay my heart before you
The pieces that remain
Scarred as a reminder 
Of the lions I have slain
Each remnant bearing witness
To the battles I’ve been through
Please don’t give up on me, Lord
And I won’t give up on you 

Don’t worry – at the end of the second day we received our ‘contract,’ an ‘I am’ statement that was in keeping with who we really are: “I am a spiritual and radiant woman.” These people weren’t emotional masochists; they just needed us to face the truth about our pain so we could step beyond it into joy and wholeness. I’m not a three easy steps kind of gal, so I knew this weekend would be helpful but by no means utterly life-altering. Complex PTSD is a little more complicated than that. My heart felt soothed, but until I had the courage to be honest, enraged, and willing to acknowledge the severity of what had been perpetrated in my life by my parents and loved ones, my heart would never really heal. And the underlying question was, if my soul’s purpose in this incarnation is to operate from the heart chakra, how could I possibly do this work with a heart in pieces?

When I was 30 years old, I finally left my husband of ten years. It was New Year’s Eve 2002, and I had just moved out 5 days before. Yep, I left the day after Christmas, and no, I didn’t abandon him at the holidays. It was complicated. I had moved to this town the year before for his career, and I knew no one. The only friends I had were a few coworkers, and I had made NYE plans with one of them and her boyfriend. But earlier in the day, she called to cancel, so I found myself in an empty apartment, on a holiday, all alone. I hadn’t had a chance yet to furnish the apartment or set up a computer. The apartment was empty except for a pillow, a blanket, and my personal effects. I drove over to Barnes and Noble and bought myself a novel and a few magazines. That evening, as I sat against my living room wall, blanket over my legs, reading my novel, there was a knock at the door. When I answered, my ex pushed his way past me, went to my refrigerator, and took out the soy milk. “I bought this,” he said as he walked out the door, slamming it behind him. I grabbed a notepad and pen out of my purse, pulled off a sheet of paper and wrote ‘soy milk’ at the top. I set the note next to the refrigerator. Now I felt worse. I was all alone in the middle of Woodinville, WA, a town where no one knew me, and there wasn’t a single person to turn to. I felt like an elephant had taken up residence on my chest. I was set to embark on another year, and this was the first time in my life where I had been entirely on my own. I was free, but I had never felt so terrified, lonely, or unsure in my life. All I knew was that there was no going back.

I don’t have much to offer
I hold up empty hands
Reaching toward a heaven
That I’ve yet to understand
Drowning in an ocean
Full of tears that never come
Hearing my own laughter
Then wondering where it’s from

Despite the fact that this was one of those days in life that represents a truly defining moment, the thing that was crushing my heart was not the loss of my marriage. I had done everything I could, and the choice I made was right. I’ve never doubted my decision. I would not have been allowed to heal from my past if I’d stayed and my mental and physical health were crashing. I would have been required to be a walking caricature of something that he needed to be, having to shelve so many parts of myself to survive. Leaving was a choice to save my own life.

It isn’t my intention
To be anything but real
But I’m learning to be human
And I’m learning how to feel
Instead I’ve been an angel
Who was broken in the fall
Then left there on the pavement 
In the horror of it all
I’m sorry I’m so fragile
I’ve so much yet to do
Please don’t up on me, Lord
And I won’t give up on you

The thing which was breaking me into pieces was the fact that I was sitting there in that empty apartment, all alone on a holiday, and I should never have been going through all this pain by myself. These were the moments which reminded me of the truth – I didn’t have one of those families. There was no support system, no safety net, no sympathy or concern. I had been black-balled from the moment I tried to turn my father into the authorities at age 18. [Even as I write this, I’m nervous, still in fear of what will happen if I speak out.] At 30 years old, I felt like I had just popped out the birth canal into the world and had no idea how to do life. I had nowhere to turn. I was free to live my life, but I didn’t even know who I was. I had been utterly abandoned time and again in every way imaginable. But what mattered the most was that I never abandon myself. It was one night. There would be other nights – better nights. I would wake up the next morning. I wouldn’t be alone forever. I could get through a few hours.

I’ve been perplexed in spirit 
Thinking I’d been beat
Trying to remember
How to get up on my feet
Now I’m standing here before you
Like a child on the edge
Waiting for the hand of God
To pat them on the head

Over the course of the following year, I would start a doctoral program, enter the world of dating, start therapy, make new friends, and begin to unravel the mystery of who I really was, finally unpacking all of those parts of me that had been tucked away in the dusty corners of my mind. I would spend far more time falling apart than coming together, but I had waited so many years to have the freedom to be messy, shattered, and authentic in my quest for healing. I was free to be happy and to learn that I was worthy of being loved. I was free to learn what love was even supposed to look like.

So rock me in your arms now
Serenade me from on high
Sing to me of blessings
That will draw me to the sky
Where I’ll dance in golden toe shoes
In the garden of my dreams
And my tears will purify me 
Like an ancient crystal stream

In the years that followed, I learned that sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. When you don’t know who you are, just sit down with your three-year-old self and ask. I asked three year-old me who she wanted to be when she grew up. She wanted to be either Doc Baker or Reverend Alden from Little House on the Prairie, with the wardrobe of Miss Piggy. I looked around me. I was studying mind-body medicine and hanging out in drum circles while wearing red heels with my jeans. That was also the year that I volunteered to be a raffle fairy at the local Herb Festival and spent several days of my life in pink fairy wings. I mean…it wasn’t like I was required to give them back immediately. Maybe I wasn’t so far gone after all.

I hear innocence and laughter
Of a child yet to be
Somewhere in the distance
And I’m hoping that it’s me
So I lay my heart before you
It doesn’t have a clue
Please don’t give up on me, Lord
And I won’t give up on you. (12/31/2002)

I also learned that no one was responsible for my happiness but me. We want love. We want compassion. We want to belong. But so often we need ‘them’ to be those people. We want the big glory moment where people confess, apologize, cry, and we hug, and everything is beautiful and inspirational and we write a best-selling book about it. But when we desperately yearn for these possibilities, we keep our hearts on pause, unable to open up to new possibilities and unable to release what is no longer serving us. We miss out on what is right before us, so deep is the pain of rejection and abandonment. People show up for us more often than we realize, but if we are blind to their efforts, too busy feeling lost in the pain of the past, then we miss all the micro-opportunities to experience love in all its forms.

My ex-husband was incapable of handling a free spirit like myself. My family of origin was too steeped in dysfunction and desperate to keep the family secrets to show up for me and, more importantly, stand up for me when it mattered most. It was imperative to my growth to let go of that hope. Easier said than done. But I have never lacked for love and acceptance. I have never lacked for compassion or companionship (except for those occasional NYE moments when the weight of the world feels like it’s pressing in). More often than I realized, I had what I needed but I was unable to receive it because I was too busy crawling around in the broken bits of my past, trying to put the pieces of myself back together again, not realizing that the phoenix had already risen from the ashes. I was free to fly, but I was afraid to acknowledge my new wings, so afraid that I wouldn’t know how to use them if I tried. But a phoenix doesn’t need to learn how to be a phoenix. It just is.

When we are so busy nursing the pain of a broken heart, so desperate to find and keep love, we stop being loving people. Underneath every relationship is a deep longing that no one else can fill. We are a vessel with a hole in the bottom. We will always be a leaky jar, leaving those who attempt to fill us empty as well. True humility requires us to love ourselves deeply, to value our worth enough to have the courage to heal our inner pain. Self-care isn’t selfish – if we don’t value our need to heal and grow, we stay in the role of taker, meek on the surface (don’t reject me) but deeply desperate underneath (love me, need me, validate me). In the words of the main character in my favorite movie, What About Bob: “Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need, I need, I need!” I needed so much. I was like an addict always searching for my next fix, always on the go, always surrounded by people, desperately afraid of ever being alone that way again. I drew people to me, but I didn’t know how to keep them. I had to get that elephant off my chest. But I learned. I’m learning. I’m choosing me so I can be better at loving others; receiving compassion genuinely so I am able to give compassion freely. To take this big, glowing orb of love that lives inside and translate that into something real and tangible and healing to share with others in a practical way. But that’s thymus chakra stuff. That’s a story for another day.

This that is tormented and
very tired,
tortured with restraints like a
madman,
this heart.
Still you keep breaking the
shell
to get the taste of its kernel!
–Rumi

Journey Through the Chakras

Uh oh… it happened again. I was in the neighborhood near my local Saver’s Thrift Store, so I stopped in to take a quick peek at the fabric section and this happened:

First off, buttons! I am always on the hunt for random buttons, zippers and assorted notions. Lets’s take a closer look:

Here’s the breakdown for the newest fabrics:

I bought a tablecloth with the intention of upcycling it, but it is in great condition and will actually look great on my table, so I’m letting it be what it is.

I reworked my #MakeNineandthensome Part Two from the other day:

Well, until the next round. I’ve got to get sewing! See you later!

Things I Buy

In January, when I made my sewing plans for the year, my goal was to deplete my existing fabric stash and then move on to bucket list items. My #MakeNine2019 ended up being more like 16+ items, which was fine by me. Since then, I came across a few additional fabrics in my stash, so I added to the list. Some of the projects have shifted focus, and I added a number of thrifted fabrics to the stack, so I’m pretty well set. Some of the recent fabrics I’ve accumulated will be perfect for my bucket list sewing items when I get there.

These were my original #makenineandthensome de-stashing goals:

What I actually did so far:

Here’s what’s next on the agenda for my #MakeNine2019andthensome projects. A few were already done and several are in progress. I can’t wait to finish the others and make another collage.

If I’m being honest, I enjoy the planning process as much as the sewing itself. Picture collages are awesome.

Things I Sew

Sometimes things fall apart, but a little creativity, ingenuity, and resilience can turn things around.

A little over a year ago, I made my first Grainline Studios Archer Shirt. I have made four of them total, I loved my first one that much. I used a blue chambray that I’d ordered from Threadbare Fabrics, and this was my first foray into using pearlized snaps. I love, love, love this shirt.

Such an easy, pretty and versatile piece. I love it.

Then, a number of months ago, heart break. I pulled my shirt out of the washing machine and discovered this:

Let’s get a closer look:

Apparently, I had clipped the seam inside too close and even though it had been washed a few times before, it finally frayed. I was gutted. The only way to fix this would be to completely redo the placket, and even then it would be awkward considering the amount of fraying. I would probably have to redo the cuff as well, which would involve doing new snaps. It was not out of the question, but I really didn’t want to go to all the trouble. Not to mention, I didn’t think I had enough scrap fabric left. Was the shirt worth salvaging? I was half tempted to call it a loss out of sheer frustration, but I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. I hung the shirt in the closet and ignored it for a while, unsure what I wanted to do and too upset to deal with it right then.

Eventually, no matter how we try to ignore something, we reach a point where we have to deal with it. Earlier this year, I came to a tough realization. After nearly 20 years of Lyme disease, my knees just don’t work the way I want them to anymore. Back in February, around the same time as the shirt fiasco, my Fella and I went to walk around the Texas State Capitol. He works at the capitol, so this is something we do fairly often. I enjoy going up and down the stairs for exercise. That particular day, we just went up and down the two major stairwells once each, then walked around the Capitol grounds. It wasn’t anything different than usual. Yet, this last year my body crossed a threshold. The chronic low-grade inflammation has taken a toll, and my knees never recovered from this walk. Nothing had happened. I’ve simply changed, and there’s no going back to the way I used to be.

My morning walk has become more painful, with a bit of limping. No amount of drive or motivation can undo the damage. I’ve changed. I’m not brand new and sparkly anymore, and things have happened that have changed how I move in the world. There was a time when I would have gone through some grieving over this. After all, a year ago this time my capitol walks were no problem. Why now? Because even though nothing out of the ordinary happened, the bugs just found a new neighborhood in my body in which to set up house, and once they do they stick around. It happens. Yet, in the past I would have been fearful, heartbroken, and in denial – hanging my feelings in the closet so I wouldn’t have to face the heartache that all my hard work was in vain. Sometimes you can do everything right and it doesn’t seem like it matters. And sometimes you make what seems like a simple choice, something you’ve done many times before, and it simply doesn’t work this time. You cut too close, you walk too far, and you can’t unmake the decision. You just have to learn, re-group, and find a way to deal with it. This is when we learn to persevere.

I realized something. I’ve been perfectly happy with my slower life. I started a Kundalini yoga practice which has been great for my body and soul. I focused on what I could do, not what I couldn’t do. What’s the alternative, after all? And more importantly, I asked myself what I really wanted. What would make me happy? Exactly what I’m doing. Parts of me may be limited, but other parts aren’t, and the sum of it all is doing the best it can, all things considered. I’m walking the same walk in the morning, it just hurts some days. What’s changed is the hope that there will come a day when I wake up and can go back to the athletic things I used to do. Yet, sandwiched in between ‘someday’ and ‘used to’ is a woman who just needs to find joy in the moment she’s in, because ‘back there’ is over and ‘out there’ is not guaranteed. I’m doing what I want to do today, so what’s the big deal? I’ve made peace with myself plenty of times, so I’m free to continue to be at peace.

Last week, I pulled my shirt out of the closet, where it had been hanging all these months. I was honest with myself – the only thing to really do was cut the sleeve just above the damaged part and finish it off with rolled cuffs. Why was I so hesitant to do this? Why was I so married to the existing cuffs and plackets? If you look at the above pictures of me wearing the shirt, you’ll notice something: I always wear my shirt with the sleeves rolled up. This is my style. I never wear them down, not even when it’s cold. That’s when I pull out the layers. So…what difference does it make if the original cuff and placket are there? I’m the only one who sees them! It really came down to the fact that I put the work in, I was proud of the result, and it hurt to see all that work cut away and tossed in the bin.

I used to be a distance athlete. Then I was a bodybuilder. It hurt to see all that hard work tossed aside. But nothing lasts forever; we make the most of every moment, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for plackets and for cuffs. I took the scissors and started cutting. Why hold onto what was? I folded and pressed the edges into place, then stitched.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what I originally intended this shirt to be. And it doesn’t matter how I originally intended my life to turn out. Things happen. Choices are made. Regardless, all’s well that ends well. I’m not a classic shirt-wearing endurance athlete. I’m a limping yogini, clumsily making her way through life alongside everyone else, with sore knees and cropped sleeves. Plackets, you say? What plackets? This was a design choice – I meant to do that. Things don’t always turn out the way we want in life, but sometimes what we get in return brings immeasurable joy if we let it. We can turn our tragedies into triumphs and our mishaps into ‘meant-to’s’. The choice is up to us.

Life Lessons Learned From Sewing
Thoughts From My Creative Journey

Over Memorial Day weekend, my Fella and I went to El Paso to visit his family. Whenever I’m in El Paso, I always hit the thrift store circuit. Not only do I find more than I do at home, but the prices are lower than the same shops in Austin. Over the Christmas holidays, I scored big time at the Saver’s Thrift Store there. So, naturally, it’s a thing now. I can’t go to El Paso without hitting Saver’s. This time was beyond my imagination. At first glance, the fabric rack didn’t look like much – they never really do. But if you take a moment to think through the possibilities, ideas abound. The bed sheet section counts, too. There is a lot of good yardage there. In the end, I walked out with ten pieces or yardage (one of which was 50% off) and a set of king-sized bed sheets that were exactly what I wanted for a certain project. Total spent after tax? $43.72! When you consider the garments I will get out of these pieces, which includes two different wool tweeds and some good heavy-duty denim, it’s unbeatable.

Here’s the breakdown of the pieces I purchased:

Considering that I committed to sewing my stash this year, things just got complicated. The beauty of it is that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with each piece. I’m making at least 12 items from the above yardage.

Here are my plans so far:

I can’t wait to get going! I’ve been feeling blah about sewing this Spring, but the sewing bug has bit me again. Fired up and ready!

Things I Buy

Bones are buried in the yard
I think they might be mine
Small creatures come and share their stores
Of treasures left behind

Blood has spilled upon the soil
It doesn’t fade away
Prowlers come and sniff around
They’re drawn to the decay

I saw him there, sweat dripping down
Digging up a hole
His sweat was mixing with my blood
I could not save his soul

Bones are buried in the yard
And that is where they stay
What’s left of me is watching now
From just beyond that day

Sweat is dripping from my brow
I’m digging with my hands
To try to find what may be left
Beyond the deeds of man

Blood has spilled upon the ground
It washes me away
I’m floating on a sea of red
To where, I cannot say

Someone stands upon the earth
Not knowing what’s below
Bones are buried in the yard
No one may ever know

About Me

I have a lot of jeans right now, courtesy of my obsession with making them over the past year. However, once Spring arrived, I found myself wanting an easy, lightweight pair of wide legged denim trousers to kick around in. I have a pair of Closet Case Jenny Trousers that I made last Fall from some 10 oz. S-gene Cone Mills denim, but they are a little longer and more substantial in design and leg width than I want right now. They are perfect for wearing with boots, but I want something easy to wear with sandals.

Back in January, I made a pair of mustard yellow wide leg pants. I liked the fit so much that I decided to use the same pattern, Simplicity 8701.

My yellow pants and my Jenny trousers

This time, I’m using some 10 oz. non-stretch Cone Mills denim I picked up a year ago from Threadbare Fabrics.

I added 1-1/4 inches to the rise, just like last time. However, this time I added a facing to the front fly. This pattern has a very basic fly, but by adding a facing (I used the pattern piece from my True Bias Lander pants) these trousers were more jeans-like. I also added some topstitching to the front pockets and back darts for visual interest.

Here’s the result:

I’m happy. They’re just what I wanted. Onward and forward…

Things I Sew

Yellow is the color of the Solar Plexus Chakra

The Solar Plexus Chakra is the line between the self and the world, governing the relationship between thinking and feeling, and the formation of giving in relationship to others. When functioning, one has a strong sense of autonomy and purpose, personal responsibility and choice. being centered in the self and body. The solar plexus gives us the ability to lead and organize, and a sense of natural authority. It relates to our will, energy, metabolism, and our personal power. It gives us the energy and motivation to move upward toward the mental, intellectual and divine, allowing us to use our conscious will to break out of the habits, emotions, and instincts of the unconscious. It is here that we connect to moving forward and making changes in our lives, transforming feeling to self-expression, turning desire to action, forming opinions and making decisions. The Solar Plexus Chakra is located at the stomach level, between the navel and lower chest, and governs metabolism, digestion, will-power and self-concept.

SOUL VOW:  Build loving community with healthy boundaries

LIFE VALUE:  I am at peace with myself and am present in the moment I currently inhabit

ANIMALS:  Beaver and skunk

Eurasian beaver (Castor fiber) stands, captive, Devon.

Beaver teaches us that it takes teamwork to build your dreams, reminding us to act on our dreams and make them a reality. We are taught to take joy and pride in strong, structured family connections. We are to remain motivated and willing to start new projects. The beaver is is intensely disciplined and very inventive and resourceful, coming up with new solutions and alternative routes. We are warned to be careful that we do not become too self-sacrificing, making sure to find a balance in our lives. The beaver encourages us to change the course of our life-flow and create a new design that better suits our needs, building our lives up around our dreams. We must work to create our dreams – it’s great to have them but it is up to us to work diligently to make them happen, and it takes cooperation with others to bring about success.

Skunk teaches us to be confident in our interactions with others and to meet life’s challenges from a place of calm and peacefulness. By respecting yourself and your own beliefs, you are able to set an example for others. Skunk shows us that we have within us the courage and will to speak out and make right something that is wrong, when justice is what is lacking in a situation. In other words, we may need to ‘raise a stink.’ Our reputation precedes us and we can stand our ground with grace, calm, and confidence. The skunk is the ultimate pacifist, walking the line between people-pleasing and self respect. It teaches us to be assertive without ego, engaging in healthy conflict. Skunk understands energy and knows how to use that energy flow to get what they want, preferring to avoid conflict and turmoil. Skunk signifies the ability to emit strong, clear boundaries to keep predators at bay, without having to engage in conflict, communicating while remaining peaceful.

STONE:  Citrine

Citrine absorbs, transmutes, dissipates, and grounds negative energy. It cleanses the chakras and opens intuition, offering aura protection. Citrine teaches us how to manifest and attract wealth, prosperity and good things. It enhances individuality, improves motivation, activates creativity, encourages self-expression, and makes us less sensitive to criticism. Citrine aids us in developing a positive attitude and optimism, going with the flow instead of hanging onto the past. It promotes joy and releases fear at the deepest level, giving us energy and invigoration of the physical body.

LESSONS:

So, now what? What happens when tragedy strips away the life you’ve known? What happens after the dust settles? This is the burning question. In June of 2007, I walked away from 4 years of graduate study to focus my energy entirely on Lyme disease treatment. There comes a point when your body can’t go on and you have to stop, drop, and sink into the process. There I was, in the summer of 2007, spending my afternoons in the big comfy chair at the Starbucks near my house, watching the world bustle around me. I found a certain comfort in being surrounded by other humans; a happy distraction from the overwhelming physical struggles and anxieties I was battling inside. Having a reason to get up, get dressed, and keep on schedule provided a lifeline, giving me a sense of purpose about the day.

So, there I was. I had worked for 15 years toward making something of my life, including finding myself right smack on the doorstep of a career that made perfect sense for me, getting an education that I wouldn’t trade for the world. And then…just like that it all slipped away. As I floated between the chair at Starbucks, my bed in the basement room I was renting, and the seat in the back of the church I frequented several times a week, I watched the pendulum swing hard and fast between genuine fear over what would become of me on the most basic level, and a level of faith and connectedness that can only come from pure human suffering. Sometimes the pendulum went so fast it was all a blur and I didn’t know my head from a hole in the ground.

The following three years would lead to bankruptcy, loss of almost all my material possessions, the end of my career, betrayal by my church, and bouts of homelessness. I bounced between miracles, never knowing what each moment would bring. I had been too sick and unemployed for too long, defaulting on all my student loans (back before income-based repayment existed), passing the deadline for ever reapplying to my program. There was no going back. I had all the education, but not the degree and/or credential to go with it. So, again, now what? How does the universe lead you on a convoluted journey from a tiny health food store in Iowa to inadvertently living ten minutes from your dream school, only to strip it away from you right as you’re about to reach out and grab hold of it? Then, to make matters worse, set up the circumstances so that you can’t eventually have it at all? Why, God, why?

There are no easy answers. Even after all these years, heck if I know. But I’ve learned, and am still learning, a great many things. Illnesses like Lyme, which reach so deeply into the cells of your body, pull you out of yourself. You start to exist as an ethereal being, a helium balloon on the end of a string tied around your own pinky finger. You are there, watching yourself, separating the parts of who you are to survive the constant pain. When you have been through sexual trauma, this detachment is already a part of your healing process. The trauma of illness adds another layer. You are reduced down to your most basic components as a being, left with the core questions – who am I? What do I really want? What really matters to me? Why am I here? Or, more specifically, why am I still here? Because if I’m still alive, there is still something left to lose. Yet, if there is something left to lose, there is something left to give. So…what do I want to give?

Two years ago, I stood there on the final day of a personal development course. It had been three weekends total, each a month apart, with the ultimate goal of discovering your purpose. The last weekend was the hardest for me. I knew what my barriers were. I’ve done a LOT of self work. I didn’t need those kinds of breakthroughs. What I needed was that purpose statement. My life has settled into a sort of early retirement. The obstacles are still so big. My massive debt still sits there. We live paycheck to paycheck, and I spend most of my days alone. What is the point of being born with so many unique gifts and talents to offer if one tick bite is going to take away your ability to operate in those gifts right as you’re just getting going in life? What was the point? So, that day, I stood before the conference room full of glowing, transformed people and read my purpose statement, “My purpose is to be a vessel of divine wisdom, to provide freedom for those who are lost.” It was a lot of work to get to this statement. I really, really, liked it, and felt that I got what I came in for – a jumping off point that took me from feeling stuck on what could’ve been, to a place of, ‘This is who I am and this is where I’m going.’ Yet, something about it didn’t sit well with me, and it took a number of months to get to the heart of the matter.

One day I was meditating and kept hearing the phrase, ‘I am that I am that I am’ going through my mind. This is what God called themself all through Hebrew scriptures. There was no formal name for God. God is the great ‘I am.’ It struck me – the divine exists in, through and beyond us. God is not confined by our labels and definitions. Therefore, neither am I. Who am I? I am that I am that I am, because I am at one with my Creator, my Creator is my source, and I am so much more that what meets the eye. Everything we do is just stuff that we do – it describes what we’re doing at that moment, how our purpose is expressing itself in our current circumstances, but it doesn’t define us. We only think that it does. I am defined by the fact that I exist as a spark of divine life force energy. My purpose statement didn’t resonate with me because it was a statement of DOING, not a statement of BEING. My purpose is not to be something someday, and it is not a bullet-pointed to-do list. I already am. We already are. What this looks like will change and shift, but if we don’t already know who we are in the cosmic sense, no amount of doing will fill that longing.

Five months after my personal development course ended, I was working my way through the book ‘My Soul’s Purpose’ by Janet Conner. I took what I was learning and re-wrote my purpose statement as an I AM statement: “I am a vessel of divine wisdom. I am the living embodiment of the freedom that is born of creative expression, deep connection and truth in action.” That’s it. I am who I am, who I always have been. I am that I am that I am, just like everyone else, and this is the great equalizer of all humanity – we are that we are that we are, because we all came from the same source, and that is where we return. We are all one. We can know this, but there is a deep inner knowing that comes when you are stripped of everything you thought defined you and left with a blank slate. Who am I? Why am I here? This is where we embark on one more turn up the spiral.

Regardless of what I’m doing with my life, my purpose in this incarnation is unwavering. It is what I bring to every situation. It is a gift from God. I am a gift from God. This is my truest sense of self. We can only understand our uniqueness when we are deeply aware of our oneness. I am me and you are you, and because we are completely one, we are wholly other. Our purposes are the same, coming from the same divine love, and yet entirely unique, because we are interdependent and have roles to play in this thing called life. We need each other to operate from our own personal power, because it increases the power of those around us, giving them permission to be who they are. True freedom, in the spiritual sense, breeds more freedom. If my freedom takes from someone else, it was never truly freedom at all. Freedom is about fullness of expression, not hoarding all the blessings.

Life is a collaboration. Healthy boundaries increase connections, because we are surrounded by energies that prosper us and vice versa. I am not responsible for providing freedom to anyone. They already have it, they just don’t realize it. My job is to operate as fully as I can within my own personal power, being the unique creation of divine love that I am. That’s what divine wisdom is – a pathway into loving better, both ourselves and others. So, now what? Where to from here? I have no idea. Nothing looks any different on the outside, but everything has changed. I can lose my sense of purpose but I can never actually lose my purpose, because it isn’t mine to lose. It belongs to God, it’s bigger than myself, it’s rooted in divine love, and nothing can separate me from this love. I’m my beloved’s and they are mine. I am free to surrender to the process.

A few weeks after the conference ended, my boss hired a new naturopath at the clinic where I was working temporarily as an office clerk. She had graduated from Bastyr a few years ahead of my time there, and had settled in Austin. I sat with her as she told me all the legalities she had to go through to practice the profession and everything she had to do in terms of continuing education, paperwork, drafting legal documents with her attorney to protect her brand, and the long nights in front of her computer doing her own administrative tasks. I felt tired just listening to it all. After years of feeling sad that my career was cut short before it started, I felt a strange sense of relief as I listened to her. Sure, I have all the student loans, but I wouldn’t have been happy running a practice like hers. I imagined all the additional debt I would have accrued if I’d continued on. I thought about the type of healing work that my life path is leading me into, and realized I would have always ended up in this place, regardless. To be this many years into your career and have every hour consumed by it did not appeal to me. I remembered how it felt to be in school, how intense and life-sucking it was. Maybe I didn’t really want to be a naturopath, after all. I thanked God for Lyme disease. I had never lost my purpose. I just came home to myself. It’s amazing the lengths the universe will go to get you somewhere it needs you to be. I still don’t know what will unfold. Correction – I still don’t know what is currently unfolding. I just know that I feel happy and fulfilled. Simple, peaceful. Wherever I’m going, I’ve already arrived, because I’m always at home. Home sweet home. I am free to be at peace with myself and to be fully present in the moment I currently inhabit.

“I am dying in these cold hours
For the resplendent glance of God.
I am dying
Because of a divine remembrance
Of who – I really am.”
–Hafiz

Journey Through the Chakras